Termination of Contract (Satire)
From John D. Human, Spokesman, Human Species
To: God, Manufacturer Human Beings
Re: Termination of Contract
I regret to inform you that the human species has elected to seek designs for and bids on the manufacturing of human bodies, a contract to which you have been the soul provider for quite some time. It is a difficult decision to make, given the very long relationship between yourself and our species but the number of complaints we have received, the vast number of bug reports and the overwhelmingly large number of defects resulting in the death and dismemberment of members of our species forces us, after the numerous requests we have made through prayers to correct these problems that have gone unresolved, to seek alternatives.
- An independent group of our own engineers have reviewed your design and have concluded that said design, although nearly infinitely improbable, is massively over complicated. In the RFP for a new design, one major aspect of the specification is that the Homo Sapiens 2.0 use far less complicated parts and be easier to repair in the field.
- One requirement will be that the human reproductive system in the female version of the body will be better suited to a biped and cause far fewer deaths and injuries when in use. We have sent you; via prayer (the form of communication you suggested as your preference) numerous requests for such an engineering change for tens of thousands of years now but your lack of responsiveness in this matter disturbs us greatly.
- We also will insist in the RFP that Homo Sapiens 2.0 be dramatically less fragile than the current design. While we can admire the design of the human body for its sheer beauty and have, for most of our history, celebrated its form in art, word and song, the actual units require such tremendous maintenance and have such a huge field failure rate that such must be remedied in the next revision as our global costs in this area is starting to bankrupt a number of our societies, not to mention causing great discomfort for many members of our species.
- The human mind, including my own, is also ridden with bugs that cause tremendous failures. The RFP for Homo Sapiens 2.0 will require that the next revision not include:
- The tendency for white men to enter classrooms and murder grade school students of our species.
- The tendency of humans who rise to leadership positions to order the killing of individuals, groups or other classes of humans. In this case, one of your rules delivered to Moses, “Thou shall not kill,” is disregarded by both individuals and leaders with such great frequency that it has grown to be regarded as part of the nature of humans. Your own son taught us to love and pray for and not kill our enemies, that we should “judge not, lest we be judged,” that we should turn the other cheek and that only those without sin should cast a stone at another human whom we perceived to have sinned in a manner we, as a society, find less acceptable than the sins we forgive, but, nonetheless, with these lessons and those sent through other peacemakers who, according to your own word are blessed, humans continue to kill each other on a minute by minute basis.
- Humans have, in complete disregard to your son’s story about Samaritans, a tendency toward xenophobia. The result being that virtually every self designed group on Earth feels it is superior to all other groups and even to subgroups within each group have this tendency toward superiority which, those with greater power have, throughout history, as described in item B, enforced through violence. This tendency to fear and hate other members of the species will not be permitted under the new specification.
- Humans allow, with great disregard, others to starve to death. While your son told us that the poor will be among us forever, he did not suggest that we should ignore poverty nor did he suggest that we should permit huge numbers of children (also considered blessed according to your own word) to die from starvation as part of an inequitable distribution of resources largely enforced through violence (see item B). Thus, the RFP for 2.0 will insist on a greater propensity toward altruism while also (as in item B) a dramatically lowered tendency toward violence perpetrated against other humans.
- Homo Sapiens 2.0 must also have a dramatically reduced tendency toward suicidal behaviors, including but not limited to avoidance of poisoning the beautiful planet which your own grace and design provided us with as an outstanding well designed home.
- The RFP will also include an appendix listing the tens of thousands of bugs reported in different units of human minds which we feel should be remedied in the upgrade.
- Many other forms of what we describe as “human suffering” must also be eradicated from the new design. This will be listed specifically in the RFP.
While we are officially discontinuing your contract on the design and manufacture of human beings, we will welcome a proposal from you that meets with the requirements designed in the RFP to be publicly distributed within the upcoming weeks. We will, of course, continue using your services until we have chosen to either select a replacement or to continue under your new design.
We will also take this opportunity to remind you that you have a 25,000 year agreement not to compete with, disparage or disclose any secrets involving the design, sale, manufacturing, behavior or virtually anything else involving humans. Thus, if we elect to go with another designer/manufacturer we will assume that you will follow the terms of this contract and will not, in any way, do anything that violates it lest we will need to take action in the appropriate venue.
John D. Human