AT News of the Weird
Here are perfectly peculiar yarns about possibly reliable information leaked from observers of likely sources during a year since the last time I posted such an article.
GW Micro Acquires Microsoft – Renaming the company GW Microsoft. In a rare Saturday press conference, Doug Geoffray, CEO of the new GW Microsoft, said, “We got the government contract to provide blindness products to veterans from the Bush Administration and spent the profits buying Microsoft.”
In an unrelated move, the National Federation of the Blind announced it would acquire Humidware for an undisclosed amount of money. Curtis Chong, CEO of the new venture immediately hired Moes Jonathonson from Freeman Scientology to run the operation. Said Jonathonson, “I get to return to the Humidware products I’ve always loved and now, with all of the secrets I learned at FS, I may actually be able to think up some unique new products to add to the line.”
Freedom Scientific Run by Space Aliens, Says Secret NASA Documents. In heavily redacted reports received through the Freedom Of Information Act (FOIA), top NASA ufologists show proof that executives who have joined FS since the merger all come from the planet Aragonicle.
Code Factory announces Mobile Speak Sharp Shooter (MSSS). “It’s the first ever screen reader for portable weapons,” says Irja Gurds, Director of Sales.
In a move to counter the NFB acquisition of Humidware, ACB announces purchase of CBS, Jeff Bishop to run news department.
AI^2 announces new magnifier for Macintosh. “We feel competing with ‘free’ is a good business model,” says company spokesman.
SerenityTech announces new open source screen reader for gnome desktop. “Three’s company too…” sang Michael Bald at press conference.
Kurzweil announces age of telepathic computing. “No more need for screen readers as it interacts directly with your thoughts,” says the legendary futurist. In a move the help the product take off, KESI will release a set of “Fantasyware” hardware adaptations but have not yet released specifications other than the brief, “Sex sells,” statement from an engineer insisting on anonymity.
Blind Christian, Gonz Blinko, Samhara and the gang were seen boarding an aircraft bound for New York. “My wife will meet us there,” is all that BC would say publicly.