Airport Follies

By Gonz Blinko

"Gonz Blinko, blind journalist and social critic was found dead from an apparent heart attack in his Florida home. Blinko, the controversial fifty-two year old writer was oft quoted as saying, 'If you are going to have a live fast, die young lifestyle, do not mess up the second part,' suffered from numerous physical and mental illnesses and was thought to have been hiding for much of the last year of his life," wrote Captain Capcha, Blind Jackass Journal, while eating a burrito somewhere in Marriposa County, Arizona.

***

Sitting in SFO,, I typed, "Reports of my death are, for the most part, untrue," and waited for my flight to Tampa to board. "I have taken some time off to spend with Krysta Cryptic, a mostly wonderful human being."

I felt a hand move across my shoulders and start rubbing on my left side. The hand and arm came from my right side where a woman had just sat down. "Please don't touch me" I said quietly and politely.

"But I love you and your dog," came a response so thick in alcohol fumes that, if I had lit a match, the terminal would have exploded into flames.

"Sure," I mumbled, "Just please do not touch me," I said in a voice that was about as non-thretening as possible. While I like the occasional explosive moment, I didn't want to be on the business end of a flammable drunk at an airport gate. I then felt a pair of hands grab my right forearm and start kneeding the muscles.

"I just love you so much," said the sloppy woman. "Your dog is so beautiful," she slurred sounding like she had a mouthful of marbles.

"Please stop touching me," I said as I cautiously removed my right arm from her grip.

"Don't touch the man's dog," I heard an adult male say.

"Shut up!" barked my drunk from the floor in front of the X-Dog.

"Please Donna," I heard the voice that I would come to recognize as the drunk's husband plead.

"Go away!" she yelled.

"Maam," asked a Jet Blue employee, "Please leave the man and his dog alone."

"You all shut up and go away!"

I sighed and the Jet Blue personnel and the woman's poor suffering codependent husband continue to plead with my assailant. I added another, "Please don't touch my dog," and heard a "Screw you, you can all go away. All of you, shut up!"

Then, I heard the Jet Blue people ask the drunk and her husband for their boarding passes, "You won't be flying together Mr. Robinson, we can't let her on the plane."

"You see that Donna, we have to go home now, they won't let us fly"

"Shut up!" she yelled again.

As the security people walked off with Donna the drunk and her spouse the Jet Blue people came to me and appologized frofusely. "Mr. Blinko, we are so sorry..."

"There's nothing you could have done," I replied. "You can't be held responsible for the behavior of passengers who were drunk when they arrived at the gate.

"It's just good that no one lit a match," I concluded with a smile.

***

Five minutes later, I heard another woman's voice, this one sounding pretty sober. "Are those two dogs going to be allowed in the cabin?"

"Of course maam, it's the law." I heard my Jet Blue buddy say regarding me and, for the first time since I have had the X-Dog, another guide dog on the same plane.

"Well you cannot allow that," I heard the whining woman say.

"Maam, it is the law, we must let them fly," I heard and thought that he should have continued with, "and those dogs are much more pleasant than a bitch like you," but was satisfied that the airline people were at least sticking up for my rights.

"But I won't fly with dogs in the plane," said the increasingly obnoxious woman.

"That's your choice," said the Jet Blue person.

"Well, what can I do?"

"We can try to find you a seat on a later plane."

"That's not acceptable, get me your manager."

"Maam, it is the law that they be allowed to fly with their handlers, my manager can't change anything."

"Well, I'm leaving," shouted the annoying human as she grabbed her carry on and carried on as she stormed toward the terminal exit.

"Mr. Blinko," I heard the Jet Blue person say," I am so sorry..."

"It's ok," I said, "you can't be held accountale for the stupidity of some of your passengers," I said and laughed while shaking my head.

Finally, we boarded the plane and left for the skies all the way to Florida.

***

I wrote this while waiting for a plane from Tampa to an undisclosed location in South Florida where I will hang with El Negro for a long weekend.

-- End
, .